NTE: Notice to Explain

Got served with 4 NTE’s just a couple of hours ago. Obviously, my superior finally got fed up with my constant disappearing acts from work, hence the four “Love Letters” when I showed up today. I guess I should have been bothered... Four at a time is definitely Bad, with a capital B. Someone in their right mind would have probably explained their gut out, trying to appease the boss, or coming up with outlandish stories to validate the absences... But I guess my sane alter ego isn’t anywhere near the vicinity when she and I were talking. Instead, I got the papers, uttered a single “OK” and went out the door.

My father would probably kill me, when he finds out about this. This isn’t the kind of work ethics he had instilled in me. It’s shameful. Even I, reprimand myself for being unremorseful with my behavior. I guess this is really the proof that I have already reached my limit. When everyday you get up and you feel that you have to drag you ass just to come to work, it’s time that you consider leaving. And I have been feeling like that for quite some time now. The classic burn-out. Never had I imagined that the fever would get me but it did.

Don’t get me wrong though. I am not and will not justify my absences with the burn-out crap. That’s lame. At least I am gutsy enough to admit that I did not come to work because I chose to be somewhere else and do other things - which is exactly what I have written on my NTEs. My former TL would probably have my head with this and tell me to at least provide a better explanation, but I do not see the point of coming up with grandiose tales regarding my absence... After all, I am not justifying them. I am simply stating the reason why I wasn’t around.

Long ago, I made a promise with a former boss, that I will do well with my attendance and up until recently, I have kept my word. Azzi’s constant nagging about being a performer also solidified that resolve in keeping my record clean and I really feel bad that I failed to keep it. Dro, I am very sorry I didn’t keep my word.

Anyway, I only have two weeks left here... And to quote TL Cez, konting tiis na lang.. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that I survive...

23

23...

Another year, another birthday…

Can't say that I'm all too thrilled, but I won't say that I’m jaded either. Anyway, what the heck? Literally, it only means that I’m one more year older than last year, db?

Hay buhay talaga... (ayan ita-Taglish ko na!)

Aaminin ko, mejo hindi ako gaanong naging excited sa birthday ko ngayong taon. Probably because things had been a bit difficult for me in the last couple of months. It was as if I was always grasping for something. There were even times that I think I only have two modes that I operate on. One where I felt like I’m in a daze, spending my days without any vaguest hint of what is going on with my life and what will happen, the other one and the most disturbing of all --- where I feel like I'm a puppet on a string waiting for someone to just yank me out of this zombie-like state.

Do not get me wrong though. I am not whining. Regardless of all my big talks, I know I have so much to be thankful for. Nagpapasalamat pa din ako dahil sa kabila ng mga kaeklatan ko sa buhay, sangkatutak na blessings pa din ang dumating sa akin.

Kaya Salamat Lord...

Salamat sa mga blessings...

Salamat dahil masaya naman ang buong pamilya...

Salamat sa promotion...

Salamat sa inspiration...

And most of all, Thank you because you gave me a lot of people who are always there to love and support me. Kay Chichu, sa mga friends na laging anjan sa tabi ko at nakikinig sa mga kachorvahan ko sa buhay.. kay Mahal..

To all those who made my birthday special, Thank you! I had so much fun... Kahit na sandamakmak na pantal ang nakuha ko dahil sa allergic reaction ko sa walanghiyang crab na yan, salamat pa din!

Isang araw, mawawala din ang zombie-mode ko. Magigising din ako at magsasawang magmukmok. I’ll be a strong-willed biatch again.. Kaya for now,’ll give myself a huge toast, keep my fingers crossed and hope that all the birthday wishes I made come true...

Cheers!

Vocabulary:
Boy - n. a male child from birth to puberty -
let - n. suffix small one

"Ano ba ibig sabihin ng boylet?"

Tanong yan sa akin minsan ng isang boylet. Pero ano nga ba ang ibig sabihin ng 'boylet'? Ewan ko ba, pero napulot ko yan sa mga bading kong kaibigan. "Ate, yummy ang boylet mo." "Bakla, saan ba may boylet dito?" Pero kung talagang pag-iisipan, mahirap ma-define ang boylet. Ito ba'y dahil sa age? Sa maturity? Sa height? Sa looks?

Ang boylet, kailangang bata, or at least, ka-age mo. Kasi pag mas matanda ng ilang taon, hindi na boylet yon, tander-cat na. As in tanders. Tanders from matanda -- matanders -- tanders -- tander-cat (origin - thundercat). Grabe ang evolution ng mga salita, di ba?

Dapat din daw, ang boylet, hindi mo boyfriend, pero hindi lang din friend. So, ibig sabihin, napakalalim ng kahulugan ng "-let" sa suffix ng boylet. Biro mo, ang "-let" ang nagdefine ng isang relasyon na mas malalim at malamang mas intimate sa friendship, pero less committed at non-exclusive kung ikukumpara sa boyfriend. Tsk, tatlong letra lang yan, pero it makes a world of difference. Kaya ang isang boy, para maging boylet, kailangang maging isang tao na kayang tumawid sa pagitan ng pagiging isang boyfriend o lover at isang kaibigan.

So pwede din ba gamitin ang "-let" sa mga tander-cats? Hmmm. parang masagwa -- tander-lets? Tander-cat-lets? Kasi naman pag tander-cats, mas malamang na naghahanap ng isang relasyon na hindi passing fancy lang. Pero hindi yan generalization, okay? Madami pa din namang mga tander-cats na isip-boylet. So, anong tawag natin sa kanila? Closet-boylets? Mejo comedy yata..

Ano pa ang distinguishing factor ng isang boylet? Sabi ng isang kaibigan na nagkaroon na ng relasyon mula sa both ends of the continuum -- from the youngest of boylets to super tander-cats, ang boylet, fling lang daw. Kapag naging seryoso ang relasyon o "arrangement" sa isang boylet, pwede nang tanggalin ang suffix na "-let" at palitan ng salitang "friend". But it is not necessarily true na promotion sa boylet ang pagiging boyfriend. Isipin mo yon, pag may boyfriend ka na, bawal na ang mga boylets. Eh kung puro boylets lang, walang hassles, walang guilt involved, kasi nga, ang "-let" ang sasalba sa iyo. Ang "-let" ang nagsasabi na hindi naman kayo exclusive sa isa't-isa. Ang galing talaga ng "-let"! Pwede din kaya itong gamitin sa ibang salita? Halimbawa, kung itatanong sa iyo ng jowa mo, "Do you love me?" Ang problema, hindi ka sigurado kung anong isasagot. Isipin mo, pag sinabi mong 'yes', sangkatutak na exclusivity na yan. Pag naman 'no', aba, eh, baka mag-isip ang jowa mo at iwan ka. So, pwede bang "yes-let" ang isagot? Ang "-let" na lang uli ang bahala to fill in the gaps. Ibig sabihin pag 'yes-let', oo, love kita ngayon, pero may possibility na bawiin ko in the future. O kaya naman, oo, love naman kita, pero pwede pa ba akong humirit ng one last boylet?

Boylet -- boy na maliit o cute? Di ba't ang ibig sabihin ng suffix na "-let" at cute o naman kaya'y maliit? Parang islet, maliit na island; booklet, maigsi o manipis na compilation ng materials. Hindi naman kasi magandang pakinggan kung tatawagin silang mini-boys. Mas maganda at endearing nga ang tunog ng boylet, parang honeylet.

Pero pano naman pala ang tawag sa girl version ng mga boylet? Girlet? Parang hindi akma. Mas maganda siguro kung girlash. Pero hindi nito ganap na mailalarawan kung ano ang essence ng pagiging quasi-gf, semi-friend. So, in short, sa mga boys lang pwedeng magkaroon ng suffix na "-let", ganon ba yon? Baka naman kasi ibang suffix ang angkop sa mga girls.

Kung ikaw ang mamimili, ano ang mas gusto mo, isang boylet na nagpapaka-tanders, o isang tander-cat na nagpapaka-boylet? Magulong isipin, pero ang isang boylet na nagpapaka-tandercat ay yung tipong pa-mature effect. Ang dami kunwaring angst sa buhay, pinapalaki ang pinakamaliit na issue - para nga naman makasabay sya sa lahat ng angst ng nakakatandang babae. Insecurity siguro ng mga boylet, o maaari rin namang mature na talaga, pero hindi natin malalaman, unless, gusto mong makilala ng masinsinan ang boylet mo. Ang mga tandercats naman na nagpapaka-boylet ay yung mga feeling groovy at w-a-a-a-y-y C-O-O-L, na kadalasan ay hindi naman talaga, nagpupumilit lang. Maaari din naman na sila yung mga tandercats na may mental age ng isang 15-yr old. Ito ang isang proof na may mga taong walang pinagkatandaan, at ang emotional at mental age ng tao ay iba-iba sa biological age.

Ang isa pang tanong, gaano ka-boylet ang kaya mo, kung baga sa low-waist pants, how low can you go? Basta siguraduhin na above 18 ang boylet, kundi, sa kalaboso ang bagsak mo, statutory rape yon, kung di mo alam. 3 years? 4, 5, 6? Depende naman talaga sa iyo yan. Pero isipin mo lang na kung 9 years ang gap nyo, aba ineng, nung pinanganak sya ay may monthly period ka na! Hindi ba kapangi-pangilabot yon? Pero kung kaya mo, o 'carry' mo, ika nga ng aking mga baklakekok na kaibigan, eh di sige, magpakadalubhasa sa pangangarir ng mga boylet. I-career! At bakit hindi? Ilan pa lamang ang may MA at PhD degree sa Boylet Affairs Management.

Pero bakit nga ba natin kailangan ng mga boylet? Sabi ng isang kaibigan, gusto nyang ma-re-affirm na sya ay may asim pa. Yung tipong pinagnanasaan pa siya. Yung iba naman, pantawid-gutom daw. Bakit, ano ba ang akala nila sa mga boylet, mini-cup na pansit canton!? Yung iba naman, just so they'll feel alive again daw, to feel young, fresh and to get their groove back. Aside from botox treatment, napakadami pang mga services ni Dra. Vicky ang pwede para magmukha at maging feeling young.

Pero pasalamat tayo at nandyan sila - para magbigay ng kasiyahan, company, aliw, o kung ano pa man. Sa dami ng mga benefits na dinadala ng mga boylets na ito sa ating buhay, gusto ko lang magbigay ng pugay sa kanila. Mabuhay ang mga boylet, dakila kayo! Go forth and multiply! hehe..


- *little shepherd*

Tough Shit

Sometimes, Life sure has a funny way of mocking us. After giving you everything you've always wanted, it gives you a solid punch in the gut that's guaranteed to hurt like hell and blow you off your feet in such a way that you can hardly recover.

I always believe that life's surprises make us grow as a better person eventually, and how and what we turn out to be depends on how we deal with what we come across along the way, but sometimes, wouldn't it just be possible that we get a little heads up if things are about to get fucked-up so we can at least brace ourselves with whatever slap we get from these so-called cosmic projections of life?

Others might say it's Karma.. or the so-called Wheel of Life turning the odds again.. but hell.. i think it's much simple than that. I call it Tough Shit!

*toinks!*

Love is on the Way by Saigon Kick

Hay, thanks to Pidong, I'm obssessing about a new song right now. It's called Love is on the Way by Saigon Kick. It may sound so 1980-ish but i like it, so much, that i'm again having a bad case of LSS! grrr!!

And darn it! It took me a lot of effort & patience just to get a widget so I can play it on this blog over & over again. Anyhoo, here's how it goes:


Love is on the Way
Sung by: Saigon Kick
Album: Lizard

Lonely sidewalks, silent night.
Bring the evening, deep inside.
Hold me darling, touch me now.
Let the feelings free tonight.

Love is on the way. I can see it in your eyes.
Lets give it one more try tonight baby.
Love is on the Way, I can see it in your eyes.
Lets give it one more try tonight.

Time of season wipes the tears.
No rhyme or reason. No more fears.
All the dreaming, far behind.
You are here now. Everything's alright.

In the morning I'll be gone away.
All the things, I left behind.
If you need me, I'll come night or day.
Let's stop the hands of time

Love is on the way. I can see it in your eyes.
Lets give it one more try tonight Baby.
Love is on the Way, I can see it in your eyes.
Lets give it one more try tonight Baby.

Love is on the Way, I can see it in your eyes.
Lets give it one more try tonight Baby.
Lets give it one more try tonight.

Dark Thoughts..

Have you ever thought of dying? I have – in great detail. It was an obsession of mine from a time, and sometimes crops up when a deep depression hits me.

I don’t want to be raped or brutally murdered or hit by a bus. I try to think of any accident that I might want to die of – maybe a stray bullet, a gunshot that wasn’t meant for me but somehow finding its way to my heart or my brain. There, instant death.

Poison comes to mind, but I don’t want to retch and vomit to my last second of dying. It seems awfully prolonged and needlessly painful. So maybe sleeping pills? How many capsules are there in a bottle - about 60 pills I think. Would that be enough? Would it be instantly effective? I think it will also be just as painful.

Suicide. Very easy task. But I won’t do it with a rope. It would scare anybody to find me swaying, tied from the ceiling, neck strangled by the rope, my tongue lolling and my face a strange purplish hue. I’d be too vain to try this stunt.

Actually, It doesn’t really matter if it’s suicide or accident. As long as it’s not so violent they will have trouble recognizing my body afterward. I would really prefer to die in sleep, peacefully, never to wake up again to the noise and sounds of the living.

My will is maybe too much that even in my dream I died several times. It’s like someone is showing me how it feels to die. You can’t move, you can’t scream. You’re body is frozen into immobility but inside you are screaming for help. “I’m dying! Please help!” you cry, but no sound comes out of your lips. Then you get smaller and smaller inside yourself, shrinking inside your body, everything going dark but you can still see the outlines of your room. You are slipping away, fading into oblivion, with the terror of certainty that you are going to die, die, die. You are thinking you are not ready, please-God-give-me-another-chance-please-don’t-let-me-die! Then you wake up in terror, not relieved enough to find the world a suddenly beautiful and meaningful place, but the same old shit that made you want to die in the first place.

Sometimes there’s another version of dying. This one scares me more, for it seems darker, almost evil in nature. You find yourself awake in the middle of the dream. Instead of shrinking inside, you feel a slam of force, a huge suction of power that draws you in, that no matter how tight you hold onto your bedposts you are led to the unseen source of power. Again you cry for help, but nobody hears for your lips remain immobile, useless. Inside your brain you are terrified – saying forgotten prayers, inventing new ones. You are getting weaker and the sinister whirlpool is getting stronger, and you are second by second drawn in, your hands losing its grip and you let go and you scream and… You wake up drenched in sweat and search the room for any unusual elements. You remember that in the dream it was invisible, like a treacherous black hole, just waiting for a moment when your guard is down to open it’s mouth and suck you in, suck you right into hell, probably.

Those are my two versions of dying, of death that I’ve experienced already. It’s rather like a test-drive, you feel the whole experience without the end result.

** ripped from my friendster blog http://kat_cuttie.blogs.friendster.com/kats_page/

Alta Gracia, Babae ni Hudas..

Naisipan kong magHarry Potter marathon kagabi bilang pampalipas oras, dahil napilitan akong umabsent sa trabaho sanhi ng malakas na ulan. Nakakatuwa, ng marinig kong muli ang klasik na musical score ni Pareng Harry, naalala ko bigla ang pausong laro namin ng mga kabarkada ko noong High School. Ang ALTA GRACIA!!

Sigurado ako, walang ibang nakakaalam ng larong ito dahil imbento lang ito ng mga abnormal kong kaibigan, sa pamumuno nina Eby, Epok, Lionel at malamang si Simang, pero sa mga nakasubok na, dalawa lang marahil ang sasabihin nila tungkol dito, ASTIG! at NAKAKAPAGOD!

So ano ang ALTA GRACIA?

Based ito sa klasik na larong taguan na minodify ng konti ng mga friends ko para "umakma" sa environment ng kuwarto ni Eby sa Casa Canonizado. Halos pareho lang ang mechanics nito pero minus the backyard at liwanag galing sa buwan. Sa hindi ko malamang dahilan, ipinangalan nila ito sa 2002 Mexicanovela ng Channel 2 na ang title ay Alta Gracia at palabas tuwing alas tres ng hapon, Lunes - Biyernes. Dito lumalabas ang pamosong BABAE NI HUDAS (walang iba kundi si Alta Gracia na nakabelong puti) at pinapatay ang mga kagalit niya. (Kung paano nila napapanood ito gayong may klase kami ng mga ganitong oras, hindi ko alam)

REQUIREMENTS:

♥Kuwartong Madilim - Di tulad sa normal na taguan na mas ok ang malawak na bakuran at mejo maliwanag na paligid, da best ang larong ito sa maliit na kuwartong may konting gamit na mapagtataguan.

♥ Kumot na Puti

♥Klasik na Harry Potter music score - pampaastig! pandagdag sa horror theme ng laro.. (hindi ko alam ang title nito pero default polytone ito ng mga lumang model ng Nokia like 3510, 3350 at 3610)

♥Players - Isang taya na tatawaging BABAE NI HUDAS, at kahit ilang kasali. The more the merrier. Mas madaming kasali, mas mahirap magtago! hahaha!

** flashlight - optional

MECHANICS

1) Siguraduhing madilim ang kuwarto. Yung walang magkakakitaan. Bawal ang bukas na bintana, bukas na ilaw, at kahit na anong ilaw na galing sa mga siwang ng bintana o pintuan. Mas madilim, mas ok - as in TOTAL DARKNESS ha!

2) Lights-on muna. Mag-assign ng taya, at tatawagin siyang "Babae ni Hudas". Maghihintay siya sa labas ng kuwarto habang naghahanap ng taguan ang ibang kasali. Kanya-kanyang diskarte kung saan mo itatago ang sarili mo basta sa loob lang kuwarto, walang lalabas, bawal sa bubong na karugtong ng bintana mo. Paborito ko noon ang itaas ng aparador ni Eby, kung pano ko siya naaakyat at nasikmura ang napakaraming alikabok, ewan ko. Kung matibay ang sikmura at katawan mo, puede mo ring itaas ang kutson ng kama at dun ka humiga, tapos itaklob mo sayo ang kutson. (Hindi nga lang magandang ideya ito, dahil kapag nagkatakbuhan na, asahan mo dadaanan nila ang ibabaw ng kama, mapipisa ka. Prone sa pilay ang taguang ito!)

3) Kapag nakatago na ang lahat, lights off na. Papasok ang "Babae ni Hudas" habang pinatutugtog ang music score ng Harry Potter, suot ang puting kumot (as belo, parang-white lady ba), at isa-isang hananapin ang mga nakatagong players. Kapag nakapa niya ang nakatagong player, kailangan niyang hulaan kung sino ito, at kapag tama ang sagot, yun ang papalit sa kanya bilang Babae ni Hudas. In short, siya ang bagong taya!

* Kung trip mo, puede ring gumamit ng flashlight para illuminated ang drama ng Babae ni Hudas, pero walang thrill ito dahil, malalaman ng players kung nasaan ang taya, madaling umiwas! Kanya-kanyang strategy din yan. Kung madugas ka, tingnan mo muna kung saan nakatago ang lahat, at pag lights off na, sumigaw ka ng "SI _________ NASA ___________!! Panigurado, mumurahin ka ng itinuro mo o tatawa ang karamihan, kaya kung sino man ang malapit sa taya at maririnig niya, sila ang unang makakapa! Ingat nga lang, dahil kung mali ang timing mo, at ikaw pala ang malapit kay Lady Judas, malas mo, ikaw ang taya! Saktong pangganti din ito, dahil kung mejo inis ka sa taya, puede mo siyang batukan kapag lights-off na, hindi niya malalaman! hehehe..

** Da best ang larong ito para sa mga magbabarkadang walang magawang matino, walang pera, at naghahanap ng sakit ng katawan habang pampalipas oras. Walang gastos na involved, at higit sa lahat, magandang excerscise ito dahil siguradong tunaw ang mga taba mo sa dami ng pawis na tatagaktak sa katawan mo bago pa man matapos ang laro. Yun nga lang, hindi ito recommended para sa mga taong may hika dahil Suffocation ang pinakamatinding side effect ng game na ito. Liban diyan, matinding kaaway ito ng mga kapatid na ayaw maistorbo sa kabilang kuarto, at mga nanay o katulong dahil sila ang kawawang magliligpit ng mga kalat na maiiwan pagkatapos at maglalaba ng mga damit namantsahan dahil sa kung saang sulok ka nagsuot! Panigurado din mistulang dinaanan ng bagyo kuarto mo pagkatapos, dahil lahat ng gamit ay nakasabog at masuerte ka kung walang masisirang cabinet, mesa, bintana o kama pag nagkasawaan na!

Madami pa kaming pausong magbabakardaka noong high school, pero isa ito sa mga paborito ko. Masasabi ko ring madami-dami rin ang nuknukan ang inggit sa'min dahil dito. Kokonti lang kasi ang masuerteng naka-experience ng larong ito dahil hindi lahat ay puedeng maging imbitado sa gathering na ito. Lahat ay welcome sa Casa Canonizado, pero pili lang ang mga taong isinasali sa trip namin. Kumbaga, sa gathering of the elites lang ginagawa ito at kung hindi ka parte ng nomohan namin, sorry ka, mainggit ka! Mga super close friends lang ang pinapa-experience namin nito, kaya suerte mo kapag nakasali ka, dahil ibig sabihin, trip namin ang pagiging psycho mo, at tropa na tayo!

Pero ganun pa man, masaya to, promise! Minsan nga naisip ko, ano kaya kung i-pacopyright namin ang title nito? Anong masasabi mo Tropang Eby? hehe..


♣ ilan sa mga piling players ng Alta Gracia ♣